Hi there everyone. I’m 27 years old. I might possibly be transgender (MTF). Although I’m not sure. Also I have aspergers. I have read that a lot people on the autism spectrum are trans as well. I have been feeling this way on and off for two years now. But it all started probably around when I was 20.
When I met someone in a gay chat room who helped me realized it but then I buried the feelings deep down. Of course around that time it was 2014/2015 that’s when I found out about Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner. The two of them and hearing their stories really made me feel something I hadn’t felt before. That my feelings were validated and that it is possible to live as the gender you weren’t assigned at birth. I finally had a name to put to these feelings and it was transgender.
My earliest memory of wanting to be a girl was when I was 4 years old. I had seen women ballerinas on tv at the time and also women doing gymnastics on tv also. My mom did sign me up for gymnastics when I was 4 but I didn’t too it for to long and I eventually lost interest in it. I one day went to my mom and asked her if she could buy me a tutu and ballet slippers. She said yes and she did. They were costume ones. I remember standing in line at the checkout at the Walmart and I felt like people were starting at us and judging us because I wasn’t a little girl and I don’t have any sisters.
I got home and I felt like I was also being judged by my dad as well for wanting to wear them as well. I put them on and I just remember feeling this innocence and bliss in me. This feeling of this is right and feeling amazing. I then wore them around the house and outside for a bit. But while I was out there I saw other people and they saw me. I felt like I was being judged and stared at again. This feeling of guilt, shame, and this feels wrong swept over me. I go back into the house and took off the tutu and ballet slippers I didn’t ever wear them again.
My next memory of wanting to be a girl was when I was 6 years old. Around this time I was really into dressing up in costumes while watching a movie and acting out a certain character in a movie. I did act out male characters. I also acted out female characters as well.
I acted out Princess Leia in Star Wars Episode 6. Yes even the slave outfit. It was a belt, two towels, my snow boots, and one of my moms bras. Also I acted this workout series called The Firm. I would dress as the women instructors on them. I would wear a plain white t shirt with the sleeves cut off with white briefs. The shirt tucked into the briefs. The women on the videos were wearing leotards. So I made my own leotard. White socks and sneakers. Also even leg warmers. The woman instructor was wearing leg warmers. I made those by cutting the foot part of the sock off. I even had small dumbbells and small ankle weights to go along with it. So I did that for a while eventually lost interest. When doing that I didn’t feel guilt or shame. I felt good and I was having fun with it.
When it comes to gender dysphoria I’m uncomfortable with having body hair, wishing I had boobs, wishing that I didn’t get random erections throughout the day, that my hair was longer. I sometimes feel disgusted when I look at my body. Like why is my body shaped a certain way in areas and why does my body not match what I’m sometimes feeling.
Also clothing. I have seen women’s clothing over the years and I’m like yes I want to wear this, this, and this. Women’s clothing is so much better then men’s clothing. A lot more styles and choices to choose from. Plus a lot cuter too.
I have tried to talk to my mom two years ago that I might be trans but she didn’t entirely understand. That I wasn’t trans because I didn’t show signs when I was a kid. She gave me an example of one of her friends whose kid was trans and have known it from a younger age. After researching I know that’s just something you often see in the media. But it’s possible to transition at any age. The feelings weren’t there when I was a kid. I didn’t discover them until I was much older.
I have thought that if I were to ever go forward with it. Would I be willing to lose everything and everyone just to make myself happy? Is my own happiness worth it to lose the people I care about the most. I don’t know if I could live like that. Any advice or help sure would be appreciated.
Submitted September 06, 2020 at 05:49PM by fafnick8 https://ift.tt/3i7IsPd
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