To the One I Loved

I fell in love with you Sophomore year. It was exhilarating. You shared many interests with me and a personality like no other (For those of you reading, he was pretty cute too, if that sweetens the pot). You appeared in my dreams and in my times of greatest need. I will never forget that last one. You have seen me through the worst breakdowns, no matter what was happening. If you were to have one flaw, I would say you were slow with your feelings. Not in a Demi way, but in a blissfully ignorant way that many humans flirt with. I decided to make the first move and give you a hug (Super Corny, I know, but I had never had dated anyone before, so cut me some slack!) It did not feel like how I felt it would. It was not a hug of lovers and it felt wrong to call it that. I had a bit of a crisis when I got home where I sorted out my feelings. For the record, I never fell out of love with you, I could never do that. I fell into a different kind of love. You were not a potential lover. You were a close friend, possibly the closest out of all of mine. After I realized this, I felt so much better. Until, about a month later, my Mom told me that she had been talking with your parents and that you were in love with me. I cried myself to sleep that night. The guilt was killing me, but I eventually suppressed it and I said nothing. Another month after that, I came out to my friends as pan. You were one of the first I told. You were so excited for me, but your expression was like someone punched you. In my joy of coming out to the world, I hurt you. It strained our friendship. It is still slightly strained to this day. To go off on a tangent, you also helped me realize who I was and unknowingly helped me weave through the tangled threads of my sexuality. I thank you for that, but I don’t want to pursue anything more with you. I am happy with our relationship as is. Our choir is going to Belgium this Summer. We are stopping in Paris on the way, and you are so excited to show me around. I think I know why now. I hope that I never have to tell you all of this to your face. I will if I must, but it just might break me. It might break everything we built together. I don’t want to break you. I can’t break you.

Submitted January 14, 2020 at 04:33AM by KiaraStar https://ift.tt/30haT5o