I'm really sorry this is so long, and maybe even a little bit negative-Nancy, but I appreciate if you've even gotten this far. I'm not sure if it needs it, but I flaired this a potentially triggering just in case. (CW identity crisis)
I've been using the term pansexual to define my sexuality since I discovered it online somewhere in my early youth.
When I was very young, I thought I had made up the term 'omnisexual' after learning the prefix 'omni-' meant 'all' or 'everything' - and I knew that was who I am. I switched to pansexual around 5 years ago, just before coming out and believing it to be the preferred definition of how I see myself, that 'omni-' was a reminder of my youth and 'pansexual' to be the 'grown-up' label that I was supposed to use.
I'm not quite sure where I stand with regards to labels. As a whole, I'm just stuck. I have loved seeing pansexuality, pansexual people and pan awareness movements taking steps towards recognition, for supporting our fellow queer friends in fighting erasure and violence, and being a group of individuals who so often make wonderful puns about their sexuality and radiate positivity.
But I'm not sure I can call myself 'pan' anymore.
I've been finding myself leaning towards 'queer' in recent years, perhaps even since I came out. While being a part of this community is wonderful, I worry I've unintentionally limited myself in closing myself away from the rest of our community. My identity is constantly changing, and the labels we use to identify ourselves are changing too. I feel uncomfortable even using the 'LGBT+' umbrella because who am I to decide that another's identity is simply represented enough in a '+'? For me, using LGBT or LGBTQ+ feels comparable to terfs removing the T, or bi-erasure morons who remove the B. Quite frankly, I just dislike the who anacronym as a whole.
I want to express that I'm not implying it's an us-versus-them situation here - I just feel that the scope of our labels right now is incredibly limiting. Perhaps it's not even that I wish to use queer as a label, I just want that which lies beyond our current scope of identity. Right now, I feel like queer is the most "not-label" that is still a label that I'm comfortable with. I've been feeling so out of touch with the greater community and maybe, if I abandon my label (even for a little while) I might be able to find that sense of belonging.
Let's not assume here that I'm switching and changing labels because I think it's cool. 1) that's not at all it, and 2) that's not how identity works - I am who I am! I also don't really care what people think about me (but we're all a little insecure sometimes) but I am interested to see where other people within our subreddit feel in regards to the solidity of their identity.
On a final note, I study queer theory and literature (a fantastic subject and I'm thoroughly enjoying it) but I'm struggling to see myself within the greater scheme of queerness as a whole. Queer feels so stagnant and academic, but it feels safe. It feels so vague that I can wrap myself in it and not need to explain myself when others as 'what' I am. I've even participated in pride events with my university peers but again, I just feel like where I am doesn't fit the huge sense of pride and adoration everyone has for their flags, badges and sense of self. I just feel queer, in every sense of the meaning - but I'm still not sure that's right.
I don't want what everyone else has, I don't want to feel less insecure, I don't want people to tell me it's ok to change labels. I just want to know that the boundaries of my identity won't be stretched by a hand not my own, making something that I consider an important part of who I am as a whole will be considered problematic or reductive.
Submitted May 18, 2020 at 05:34PM by FryTheProfessor https://ift.tt/3bEerCB
No comments:
Post a Comment