I’m so confused... I think I am a lesbian but I fell in love with a transmasculine person

I’m so confused... I think I am a lesbian but I fell in love with a transmasculine person

I am in my late 20’s and officially came out of the closet now that I fell in love with a transmasculine person. This person identifies as they/them and used to identify as a cis woman. They do not see themselves as a man and say they identify more with the woman experience.

So I am so confused.. I have come to realize I am probably lesbian and not pansexual/bisexual as I thought. My “attraction” to men was really compulsory heteronormativity where I desired their validation due to patriarchy and was re-enacting childhood trauma. I now see the signs that I have been into women all along: I experimented with girls when I was young and liked it, I’ve had obsessive friendships growing up where I probably had crushes on many of them, I was grossed out by sex and penises, i had high expectations for men and found ways to run away, I chose unattainable and unavailable men, some of the men I dated ended up being gay/bisexual, when I was in denial some people told me they thought I was queer, & I always stare at the girl during porn..

I thought me avoiding men was due to my sexual trauma history.. which is true!! But also I am not into men Like that I realized.

So I feel this confusion with the person I fell in love with since they don’t identity as a woman. I knew how they looked before they transitioned (they presented and dressed more feminine before and now they dress more butch). When I fantasize about them, often I fantasize about them when they were more feminine and identified as a woman. I also sometimes fantasize of their more masculine presenting side.. sometimes I felt triggered by them when they acted and presented as more masculine I think because of my trauma history.

So now I am confused.. am I a lesbian if I fell in love for a transmasculine person? Or did i just fall in love with the “woman I see” even though i respect their identity. I will say this, if this person was taking hormones and started to act and look even more masculine, I think I would not be attracted. Like I am really not into penises or manly stuff. I would still love them as a person but preference and attraction isn’t so fluid for everyone...

Anyone else been in the same boat? Am I still a lesbian? I am so confused and also acknowledge that the boxes/labels made are socially constructed but in some ways the labels make me feel better as I work through my new sexuality.

Submitted May 17, 2020 at 08:04PM by journey1992 https://ift.tt/3g8NdaW