First off, happy pride! Especially to queer black folks.
I (19F) am, and have for a long time been, extremely confused about my sexuality.
Now, I know I like men. I've dated men, loved men, am sexually attracted to men, and I feel comfortable knowing that. My attraction to girls on the other hand has always been somewhat up in air and uncertain. As a kid, I definitely had a fascination with girls and the idea of being interested in girls. I would "play doctor" as they say with other young girls, never really thinking much of it. In middle school, the first porn I ever intentionally sought out was lesbian porn or at least porn definitely made for men (my attention was always on the woman). After becoming more aware of the LGTBQ community as an entity in society, I distinctly remember googling "How to know if you're a lesbian" in a frantic state after watching porn one day at age eleven. I prayed throughout middle school to not turn gay, just to not have to deal with the difficulties that would come with it. I pushed most of these feelings aside at the time, but I did have a pretty big and noticeable crush on one of my female friends in middle school. I had dreams about her (both with romantic and explicit contexts), and would get that "butterflies" feeling when she touched me or spoke to me endearingly. This all being said, I was also having crushes on boys during this time.
When I started high school, I pretty much stopped entertaining the idea completely and began to fully self-identify as heterosexual. There were girls here and there who I found attractive or had dreams about, but for the most part I felt content dating and hooking up with boys. I continued to exclusively watch lesbian porn.
There were a few girls I met throughout high school and in my past first year of college who brought all of the feelings and uncertainty back. I would fantasize not only being with them intimately, but being in relationships with them and what it would be like to live my life with them. However, I for some reason find the thought of approaching a girl absolutely paralyzing, significantly more than approaching a boy, so I have yet to act on these urges. Back then, I started to think I was "heteroflexible," but the label just didn't feel right. I decided to forgo any labels, thinking I didn't need one and that I would figure it out eventually.
About a year ago, I was feeling more desperate to find that label and community just to clarify my identity and consolidate my life, if nothing else. I began slowly self-identifying as bisexual, and was happy with that for a bit. However, feelings of uncertainly and discomfort crept back up. Just as with the "straight" and "heteroflexible" labels, something about calling myself bisexual felt disingenuous and not quite right.
A few months after thinking of myself as bi, I shifted more towards the term "queer," but this again feels slightly off. However, it is the one I felt the most comfortable with out of all the ones I has taken on previously. Now, I'm feeling like pansexual more accurately describes me, because I noticed that when I'm attracted to people, it isn't because of their gender, but their personality and mind. I've had crushed on guys, girls, and non-binary folks. Physicality plays a role certainly, but never gender.
Still, to call myself pansexual makes me feel like I'm taking space away from others in the community because I identified (and still publicly identify) as straight for so long. Not to mention, I'm incredible femme and straight-passing. To call myself heteroflexible feels almost like I'm deceiving myself into being entirely straight. There's this fear of not being "pan enough", but also not fully understanding to what degree my attraction extends for each gender. I've watched coming out video after video, trying to understand how others knew how to identify or how they became certain in their feelings.
I'm very fortunate to come from an accepting area with supportive family and friends. But I feel like I have this preconceived notion of what my future is supposed to look like -- and being attracted to girls and non-binary folks is not a part of that image. And yet, these feelings persist and I can imagine myself ending up with anyone; it just feels like I'm almost doing something wrong. I wonder at times how it is possible for me to be attracted to multiple genders, to the point where I wonder if my attraction is real or all in my head. Essentially, I easily accept it in other people, but I cannot accept it within myself, and I don't know why. Internalized panphobia, perhaps?
I know that there is no rush to label oneself, I know that labels aren't necessary and people can exist happily and fully without them, but it feels like having some way to identify myself more accurately would guide me to self-acceptance our perhaps just a new understanding.
Any advice you may have about dealing with confusion is greatly appreciated!
TL;DR - I've had romantic and sexual feelings towards all genders in the past, but have mainly identified as straight and pushed aside any attraction I felt towards the same sex or non-binary folks. I'm now at a point of total confusion, looking to narrow my identity not for the sake of labeling myself, but to help me towards self-acceptance or a new understanding.
Submitted June 01, 2020 at 07:20PM by philosofi_ https://ift.tt/2ZZ88Hy
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