TLDR: I don’t know if I’m pan, but I think I’ve had “crushes” on girls before. I think I may be questioning for the wrong reasons and I’m afraid I somehow just want to be “quirky”and have more options. Help!
Hi everyone :) first off I want to preface this by saying I’ve never been with a guy either, but I know for sure I like guys because of the many crushes and fantasies I’ve had. The hard part for me is knowing if I like girls/other genders too (I am a girl myself)... I am almost positive this is some sort of internalized biphobia/panphobia, but I also am scared that I may just be thinking I’m queer so I can be “quirky” and have more options?!?!
In middle school, when I was really REALLY questioning after three consecutive obsessions with three girls, I remember judging girls who said they were bi and thinking “ugh they just want to be oppressed so bad.” Buttttt I thought that way about people with mental illness too, and I’m now actually diagnosed with mental illness, so i think it’s safe to say my judgement is not always the best hahaha
So anyway, back to middle school when I was really questioning, there was this one girl on my bus who I thought was really pretty and I literally could not take my eyes off of her and strategically planned my seat everyday to sit near her but not too near... I knew she was emo so I literally did things like listen to panic at the disco, fob, mcr (for the record I actually do love all three of them) and “drop” my phone near her so she would notice. One time she sat next to me on the bus and I vividly remember getting butterflies, and when she asked about my music I was literally at a loss for words and flustered.
However, I do think it’s important to note that at this time in my life, I saw a few buzzfeed videos about being bi and I was obsessed with the idea I could be bi, so I’m not sure if I was questioning for the right reasons? or if I was just wanting to be bi to have more options?? Sooo is it possible that I could have been forcing myself to feel butterflies for her cuz I really just wanted more options? is it even possible to force yourself to have butterflies??? I only ask because I remember in early elementary school I forced myself to have a crush on this one guy so that I could fit in with my friends and I actually made myself get butterflies, so I don’t know if I can even trust myself...
There were two other girls in middle school who I thought I had crushes on — one was this gorgeous brunette with the cutest smile EVERRR who was in a grade above me, and I definitely felt nervous every time I passed her in the hallway because I just thought she was so freaking pretty. I think I even timed a way that I could pass her everyday. Like you know how you get mad when someone is SO attractive? That’s how I felt towards her. And then there was this other girl, who I’m still in touch with, who I thought I had a crush on but after so much questioning I realized I just really, really wanted to be best friends with her and she also happened to be very pretty. I came out to that girl’s best friend, who was also my friend, and the instant I said the word “bisexual”, I started sweating profusely because it felt so so so WRONG. So of course I then said “hahaaaa I’m just kidding, I’m straight” but that felt kind of wrong too? but much much less “wrong” than saying I was bi...
Which is why I’m think I may be pan... even saying the word pansexual feels more right to me... but still a little wrong. The only nb people/not female or male people I’ve ever been attracted to are Lachlan Watson and a few people on TikTok, and I’ve never really met anyone who openly identified as neither a girl or boy. However, I am 100% confident that if I am queer, I would be pan and not exclusively attracted to just men and women, because for me I think a person is hot because they are hot, regardless of them being male, female, or any other identity.
Anyways, fast forwarding to high school, when I started questioning again, I had a lot of confusing sexual fantasies about girls and women. Even when I was younger, I felt “sexual” attraction to only women and only thought female celebrities were sexy. I had more sexual fantasies about boys though... again I’ve never been with a girl or a guy or even KISSED anyone but my high school hormones made me feel a lot of very confusing things.
Also in high school, my mother came out to me as bisexual, and said that she’s done more physical stuff with more girls than she ever did with guys! And I told her I felt similar but rather than just boys and girls, I think I felt attraction to every gender (except I didn’t use the word pan because I didn’t know what it was). She just stared at me oddly and said... “no I think you’re just straight. Plus, all girls are a little bi.”
So that’s where I’m at right now basically. I haven’t been attracted to anyone super strongly in months because of quarantine, but I’ve learned a lot about myself recently and want to figure out my sexuality too. Right now, “fluid” seems good to me, but I want to have a community to identify with, which is the reason I want a label. I am young, so I have plenty of time to figure it out, but if you guys here on Reddit could help me out, I would love it!!! Any words of guidance would help immensely :)
Thank you for reading this far, you are truly amazing!
Submitted August 04, 2020 at 02:20AM by pizzadurga https://ift.tt/2BVOz9A
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