hi, ๐ค you're on a rock ๐ฟ floating in space. ๐ pretty cool, ๐๐ huh? ๐❔ some of it's water. ๐คฝ♂️ fuck it. ๐ฎ actually, most of it's water ๐ฆ . ๐⛲ i ๐ can't even ๐๐๐ get ๐ from here ๐ to there without buying ๐ a boat. ⛴⚓ it's sad. ๐ i'm sad. ๐๐ i ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญmiss you๐ญ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฐ.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?๐ค๐ค
a long time ๐ ago... actually, never ๐ ♂️. and also now. nothing ๐ฏ is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right ๐ค? ๐ฏ like ๐ฅฐ i ๐ said, it ๐ฎ didn't happen ๐คท♀️. nothing ๐ฏ was never anywhere๐คท♂️. that's why it's been everywhere ๐ฑ. it's been so ๐ "everywhere," you ๐ don't need a "where." you ๐ don't even ๐ need a "when." that's how "every" it ๐ฎ gets. ๐
forget this ๐ค. i wanna be something ๐จ๐ง. go somewhere ๐ต๐ฐ. do something ๐⚽️. i ๐ want things to change. i ๐ want to invent time ⏱ and space. ๐ก๐จ๐๐ก๐จ๐๐ก๐จ๐ and i ๐ know it's possible because everything is here, ๐๐ and it ๐ฎ probably already happened. i ๐ just don't know when to start. ๐
and that's exactly where it ๐ฎ started ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ๐ณ
big bang — pause ⏸
woah. i ๐ paused it. ๐ฎ i ๐ think ๐ค๐ญ there's a universe now. what's ๐ฆ it ๐ฎ made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! ๐ฅ don't like ๐ฉ๐ป it? ๐ฎ try a new ๐ place, ๐ at a different Time™. try to stick ๐ฅ together, because the world ๐ is gonna get ๐ bigger and emptier. but it's not ๐ฏ empty ๐ณ yet! it's still very full, ๐ต and about a kjghpillion degrees. ๐
about no ๐ญ seconds ๐ฅ later
great ๐ฌ๐ง news! ๐ต๐ฌ the quarks are ๐ now happily married in groups ๐ฅ of three, ๐ฅฐ called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying ๐ฅ around that wants to join ๐ด in, but can't cause ๐ it's too HOT.
ten minutes later
great ๐ฌ๐ง news! ๐ the protons and neutrons are ๐ now happily married to each other! some of them even ๐ doubled up.
about 380,000 ๐คญ years later
great ๐ฌ๐ง news! ๐ the electrons have ๐ถ now joined in. congratulations! ๐๐ the world ๐ is now... a bunch of gas ๐ค in space. ๐ but it's getting ๐ closer together...
ten million years later ๐ด
and it's getting ๐ closer together...
500 million years later ๐ด
and it's getting ๐ closer togeth—
star is born
it's a star
new ๐ shit ๐ฉ just got made!
some stars ✨ burn out ๐ and die. ⚱ bigger stars ⭐⭐⭐ burn out ๐ and die ๐ฒ with passion! and make some brand ™️ new ๐ณ๐จ way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer ๐๐ and more ➕ interesting stars ๐๐คฉ๐ญ to be made, and then die ⚰ and explode ๐งจ into even crazier space ๐ dust!
so ๐ now, stars ☪✨ have ๐ถ cool ๐ stuff ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅ around them, like ๐ญ๐ rocks, ๐ง♂️๐ง♀️ ice, ๐๐ง⛸ and funny ๐ clouds, ๐จ which can make some very interesting things. like ๐ this ball ๐๐๐ of flaming ๐ฅ rocks, ๐ง♂️๐ฟ for example.
meteor hits ๐ earth
holy shit, ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฉ we ๐ฟ just got hit ๐ by another ball ๐ of flaming ๐ฅ rocks. ๐ง♂️ and it ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฎ kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it's raining ⛈๐ง rocks ๐ฟ๐ง♂️ from outer ๐ space. ๐
weather update: those rocks ๐ฟ๐ง♀️ might've had water ๐ฐ inside ๐ of them and now there's hot ๐จ steam ๐ in the sky. ๐
weather update: cooler ๐ temperatures ๐ค today and the floor ๐คฃ is no ๐ถ longer lava.
weather update... it's raining. ⛈๐
severe flooding alert, the entire world ๐ is now an ocean. ๐
volcano alert ๐จ .
that's land!
there'slifeintheocean
what? ๐ฆ
hello I am u/THEAppleMan_
*something's alive in the ocean ๐ *
oh, cool. ๐ like ๐ฉ❤️๐๐ฉ a plant, ๐ or an animal? ๐ฆ no! ๐ณ a microscopic speck. it ๐ฎ lives in the bottom ⤵️ of the ocean ๐ฎ๐ด๐ฎ๐ด๐ฎ๐ด and eats ๐ฝ chemical soup, ๐ฅซ which is being served hot ๐ง and fresh, ⛲ made from gnarly space ๐ ingredients left ๐ค๐ ↙️ over ๐ from when it ๐ฎ was raining ⛈ rocks ๐ง♀️ or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it ๐ฎ can do that.
reproduces three ๐๐ฅฐ more ➕ times
it ๐ฎ has secret ๐ค㊙️ instructions written inside ๐ itself telling ๐ฃ it ๐ฎ how to build ๐ช๐ท⚒ another one ๐ of itself. so ๐ that's pretty nifty, i ๐ would say. ๐ฃ
tired ๐ค of living at the bottom ⏬๐ป of the ocean? ๐
now you ๐๐ can eat ๐ฝ sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you ๐ค๐ can convert sunlight into food. ๐ฝ
taste the sun!
side ๐ effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky ๐ is blue. ๐ณ
then the earth ๐๐ might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even ๐ a couple ๐ฉ❤️๐ฉ of times. ⌚⌚⌚
it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, ๐ and some other types ⌨ of weird ๐ strange water ⛵ bugs ๐ and strange fish. ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฆ
it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, ❕๐ฎ that's animals ๐ท and stuff" ๐ฅ
but we're still in the ocean. ๐ฎ๐ด hey, can we ๐ฟ go on land? ๐ซ
NO
why?
the sun ๐ค is a deadly ☠ laser
oh okay. ๐
not anymore, there's a blanket
now the animals ๐๐ฅ can go on land. ๐ซ come on, animals, ๐ let's go on land! ๐ซ
"nope, ๐ can't walk ๐ yet."
"and there's no ๐ต food ๐ฅ yet, so ๐ i ๐ don't care." ๐
100 million years later
okay, ๐๐๐ will you ๐ learn ๐ to walk ๐ถ♀️ if there's plants ๐ก up here? ๐
"maybe," said some bugs. ๐ and fish. ๐ฌ
fish gasps for air ๐จ
five million years later
okay, ๐ so ๐ i ๐ can go on land, ๐ซ but i ๐ have ๐ถ to go back ๐ค⬅️๐ค⬅️๐ค⬅️ in the water ๐ฃ to have babies!
idea: learn ๐ to use an egg. ๐ฃ
"i ๐ was already doing that"
use a stronger ๐ช egg. ๐ณ put ๐ฎ water ๐ฐ in it. ๐ฎ have ๐ถ a baby, ๐ค๐ฃ๐ค๐ฃ๐ค๐ฃ on land, ๐ซ in an egg. ๐ฃ water ๐ฐ is in the egg. ๐ฅ baby, ๐ฅ๐คฐ in the egg, ๐ณ in the water, ๐คฝ♀️ in the egg. ๐ฃ๐ฃ๐ฃ
works ๐ผ for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything's huge. including bugs. ๐๐
wanna see ๐ a map ๐บ of the land? ๐ซ sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything's dead. ๐⚱
just kidding, here ๐ are ๐ the survivors. keep your eye ๐๐ on this one, ๐ because it's about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs. ๐ฆ
here's ๐ another map ๐บ of the land. ๐ซ yeah, it ๐ฎ broke apart. don't worry about it, ๐ฎ it ๐ฎ does that all the time. ⌛๐ฆ๐ฅ here ๐ comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs ๐ฆ are gone
it's mammal time, ๐ฐ๐ here ๐ come the mammals. look ๐๐๐ at those breasts.
now they're gonna dominate the world, ๐ but one ๐ of them just learned how to grab stuff. ๐ฅ and walk. ๐♀️ no, ๐ณ like, ๐ walk ๐ท like ๐ฌ that. and grab stuff ๐งธ at the same time. ๐ and bang rocks ๐ฟ๐ง♂️๐ฟ๐ง♂️๐ฟ๐ง♂️ together to make pointed ✴️ rocks. ๐ง♂️๐ง♀️
"ouch"
and set things on fire. ๐ฏ
"yeouch"
and make crazy ๐คช sounds ๐๐ with their voice:
"gneurshk"
which can mean ๐ different things.
that's a human ๐♀️ person!
and now they're everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? ๐ฆ you ๐ค can walk ๐ฃ over ๐คญ here? ๐ cool. ๐
not anymore
well i ๐ guess we're stuck ๐ here ๐ now.
let's review: there's people ๐จ๐จ๐ฆ๐ฆ on the planet. ๐ and they're chasing their food. ๐ฅ
fuck it. ๐ฎ time ๐ to plant ๐ฑ some grass. ๐
look ๐ at this. i ๐ get ๐ to control ๐ the food ๐๐ฟ now. now everyone will want to be my ๐๐๐ friend ๐ถ and live near me. let's all build ⚒ houses, ๐ except mine is bigger because i ๐ own the food. ๐ฝ
this is great! ๐ฌ๐ง i ๐ wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired ๐ค of using rocks ๐ฟ๐ง♀️ for everything? use metal. ๐ค it's underground.
better ๐ฐ farming ๐ was just invented in a sweet ๐ฏ dank valley right ↔️ in between these two ✌ rivers, and the animals ๐ป๐๐ฆ are ๐ helping. ๐
guess what ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฆ happens next?
more ➕ food. ๐ง๐ฉ and more ➕ people, ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐จ๐ง๐ง๐จ๐ง who came to buy ๐ the food. ๐ฒ now you ๐ need people ๐จ๐จ๐ง to help ๐ make the food ๐ฅฎ and keep track ⏭ of the sales. ๐ฐ and now you ๐ need houses ๐ช for people ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ to live in and people ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ง๐ฆ to make the houses ๐ก and now there's more ➕ people ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ and they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ invent things which makes things better ๐ฐ and more ➕ people ๐จ๐ฆ come and there's more ➕ farming ๐ and more ➕ people ๐จ๐ง๐จ๐จ๐ฆ to make more ➕ things for more ➕ people ๐จ๐ฉ๐ง๐ฆ and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon ๐ to a dank river valley near you. ๐ค๐
meanwhile, out ๐ in the middle ๐ of nowhere, the horse ๐ ๐ด is probably being tamed.
why is all my ๐ metal ๐ค so ๐๐๐ lame and lumpy?
tired ๐ช of using lame, sad ๐ metal? ๐ค introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. ๐ซ i ๐ dunno, my ๐ dealer won't tell ๐ฃ me where he ๐♂️ gets ๐ it. ๐ฎ also, guess what? ๐ฆ
egypt
meanwhile, out ๐ in the middle ๐ of nowhere, they ๐ figured out ๐ how to put ๐ฎ wheels ๐ก on a horse. ๐ now we're getting ๐ somewhere. also,
china
and did i ๐ mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5
...
norte chico
the middle east ๐ is getting ๐ more ➕ complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. ๐
knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people ๐จ๐จ๐ง with the horses? ๐ and they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. ๐
greeks!
ah look, ๐ it ๐ฎ must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let's check ☑️ in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not ๐ฏ gone? china.
new arrivals ๐ฌ from india... maybe it's those horse ๐ด people ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ง i ๐ was talking ๐จ about... or their cousins or something...
and they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff...
you ๐ค๐ค๐ค could make a religion ⛪๐ฏ out ๐ of this.
there's the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get ๐ down ⤵️⬇️ to business
also, can we ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ switch to a metal ๐ค that's a little easier to find? ๐ thanks. ๐
look ๐ who came back ↩️ to israel, ๐ฎ๐ฑ it's the twelve tribes of israel. ๐ฎ๐ฑ
and they ๐ believe in God
just one 1️⃣ though, and he's ๐♂️ got like ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ a ten-step ๐๐ถ program. ๐ป
here's ๐ some huge heads. ๐♂️ must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea ๐ก and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so ๐ big it ๐ฎ makes colonies.
here ๐ comes the assyrian empire. never mind, ๐คฏ it's the babyloni— media—
it's the Persian Empire: "wow, ❕ that's big"
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, ๐จ who sat under a tree ๐ for so ๐ long that he ๐♂️ figured out ๐ how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you ๐ could make a religion ⛪ out ๐๐๐ of this.
oops, ๐ฆ๐ china ๐จ๐ณ just broke. but while it ๐ฎ was breaking, ๐ confucius was figuring out ๐ how to have ๐ถ good ๐ ♂️ morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea ๐ก of thinking ๐ค about stuff. ๐ฅ
and right ๐ค over ๐คฌ๐คฌ๐คฌ here, ๐ alexander just had the idea ๐ก of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great ๐ฌ๐ง idea. ๐ก he ๐♂️ was... great. ๐ฌ๐ง๐ฌ๐ง๐ฌ๐ง and now he's ๐♂️ dead. ⚰ hopefully, the rest ๐ of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it's chandragupta. he ๐♂️ says ๐ฃ "get ๐ the hell out ๐๐๐ of here. ๐ will you ๐ get ๐ the hell out ๐๐ of here ๐ if i ๐ give you ๐ค 500 elephants? ๐ okay, ๐ thanks, ๐ bye"
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what ๐ฆ about this part? 〽️ that's the tamil kings. ๐คด no ๐ณ one ๐๐๐ conquers the tamil kings. ๐ who are ๐ the tamil kings? ๐ merchants, probably. and they've got spices!
who would like ๐๐ฉ❤️๐๐ฉ to buy ๐ the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying ๐ it ๐ฎ and selling it ๐ฎ to the rest ๐ of the world. ๐บ๐
hey, china ๐จ๐ณ put ๐ฎ itself back ⬅️๐ค together again, with good ๐ฆธ♀️❇️ morals as their main philosophy. actually, they ๐ have ๐ถ three ๐ฅฐ main philosophies:
confucianism: have ๐ถ๐ถ๐ถ good ๐๐๐ morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, ๐ obey the law
out ๐๐ here, ๐ the horse ๐ด๐ด๐ด nomads run wild ๐ฏ and free, ๐ and they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ would like ๐ฉ❤️๐๐ฉ to ransack your city. ๐ป๐ฆ
nomads ransack china
let's check ✔️ the greekification levels ๐ of the greekified kingdoms: ๐ฌ๐ง greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over ๐คฌ๐คญ the entire place. ๐๐๐
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating ๐ฝ the entire mediterranean for breakfast. ๐ฅ "thanks ๐ for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting ๐ซ to get ๐ tired ๐ซ of people ๐ฉ๐ฆ invading their homeland.
"hi, everything's great," ๐ฌ๐ง said some guy ๐จ who seems to be getting ๐ very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more ➕ popular. you ๐ค could make a religion ๐ out ๐๐ of this.
want silk? ๐ธ now you ๐ can buy ๐ it ๐ฎ from china. ๐จ๐ณ they ๐ just made a brand new ๐ต๐ฌ road ๐ฃ to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you ๐ค๐ can get there on water
"sick! ๐ท new ๐ณ๐ฟ trade routes!" said india, ๐ฎ๐ณ accidentally spreading their religion ☦ to the entire southeast. ↘️
hmm, that's a good ๐ place ๐ฉ for an epic trading kingdom. ๐ฌ๐ง
there goes buddhism, ☸ travelling ๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฑ up the silk ๐ธ road. ๐ฃ i ๐ wonder if it'll reach china ๐ before it ๐ฎ collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new ๐ one. ๐
axum is getting ๐ so ๐ powerful, they ๐ would like ๐ to build ๐ท♀️ a long stick. ๐ฅ
has anyone populated madagascar ๐ฒ๐ฌ yet? let's do it ๐ฎ together.
china is whole again...
...then it ๐ฎ broke again
still can't cross ✝ the sahara ๐ช๐ญ desert? ๐ช try camels. ๐ช
"hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana ๐ฌ๐ญ empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
"hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i ๐ was wondering
is loving ๐๐ jesus legal ๐ yet?"
"no" ๐ณ๐ด
"actually, okay ๐ sure," said constantine, moving ๐ฆ the capital ๐ ๐ ๐ way ↕️ over ๐คญ here ๐๐ to be closer to his ๐๐๐ main rival. don't worry about rome, it ๐ฎ won't fall. ๐
it's the golden age of india
there's the gupta empire, not ๐ฏ chandragupta, just gupta. first ๐ name ๐ chandra. the first. ๐
guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's ๐ฆ a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, ๐ฎ the other half is just fine, but it's not ๐ฏ in rome anymore, so ๐ let's give it ๐ฎ a new ๐ต๐ฌ name. ๐
the mayans have ๐ถ figured out ๐ the stars
oh, and here's ๐ a huge city, ๐ป๐ฆ population: everyone.
the gรถktรผrks have ๐ถ taken over ๐๐คฌ the entire eurasian steppe. great ๐ฌ๐ง job, ๐ผ gรถktรผrks.
how's india? ๐ฎ๐ณ broken. ๐ how's china? ๐ back together.
how's those trading kingdoms? ๐ฌ๐ง bigger, and there's more ➕ of them.
korea ๐ฐ๐ต has three 3️⃣ kingdoms. ๐ฌ๐ง japan ๐ฅ has a kingdom, ๐ฌ๐ง๐ฌ๐ง๐ฌ๐ง it's the sunrise ๐ kingdom. ๐ฌ๐ง
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, ๐ on the top ๐ of a mountain, ๐๐ป the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. ๐ so, ๐ he ๐♂️ goes down ⏬๐ to the cube where everyone worships ๐ gods and he ๐♂️ tells ๐ฃ them their gods are ๐ all fake. and everyone got so ๐ mad ๐ข at him that he ๐♂️ had to leave ๐ town and go to a different town. you ๐ค could make a religion ๐ฏ out ๐ of this, and maybe conquer the world ๐บ๐ as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, ➕ there's new kingdoms ๐ฌ๐ง all over ๐ europe. i ๐ wonder if there's room ๐ง♀️ for moors.
here's ๐ all the wisdom. in a house. ๐ช it's the baghdad house ๐ก of wisdom! just in time ๐ for the islamic golden age!
"let's bring stuff ๐ฅ to the coast ๐จ๐ฎ and sell it, ๐ฎ and become the swahili on the swahili coast," ๐จ๐ฎ said the swahili on the swahili coast. ๐จ๐ฎ
remember this tiny space ๐ you ๐ have ๐ถ to go through to get ๐ from here ๐ to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get ๐ enlightened in the middle ๐๐๐ of nowhere?
the franks have ๐ถ the biggest kingdom ๐ฌ๐ง in europe, and the pope is so ๐ proud ๐ค that he ๐♂️ invites the king ๐ over ๐ for christmas. ๐ "surprise! ๐คญ you're the new ๐ณ๐จ roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part 〽️ of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom ๐ฌ๐ง into what ๐ฆ will later ๐ก๐ be called france ๐ซ๐ท and not-france. ๐ฏ
the northerners, er, just "norse" if you ๐ don't have ๐ถ much time, ๐ are ๐ exploring. they ๐ go north, ๐ฐ๐ต from the north ๐ฐ๐ต to the northern ๐ฌ๐ง north. ๐ฐ๐ต and they ๐ find ๐ some land— two ๐ฌ types ⌨ of land!— and they ๐ name ๐ them accordingly.
prankd
they ๐ also invade some other places ๐ and get ๐ called many names, ๐ such as "vikings."
there's the rus! the kievan rus! are ๐ they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ vikings? "i ๐ don't think ๐ฏ so," ๐ said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more ➕ emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. ๐ฎ new ๐ณ๐จ kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand ™️ would you ๐ like? ๐
"mine's better"
"mine's better"
"mine's better"
"time ๐ฅ to conquer england," ๐ด๓ ง๓ ข๓ ฅ๓ ฎ๓ ง๓ ฟ๐ท said william.
it's a bird! ๐ฅ it's a plane! ๐จ✈️ it's the seljuk turks!
"aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting ๐ so ๐ small ๐ค and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we ๐ฟ need help!" ๐ they ๐ need help! ๐ so ๐ they ๐ call ๐ค the pope.
"hey pope, can you ๐๐ค help ๐ us get ๐๐๐ rid of the seljuks? maybe take back ↩️ the holy land ๐ซ on the way? ๐ come on, i ๐ know you ๐ want to take back ๐ค the holy land." ๐ซ
"yes, ☑️ i ๐ do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade."
crusade!
they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. ๐ฉ but at least the italians ๐ got some sweet ๐ช trade deals.
goodbye ๐๐๐ mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye ๐ toltecs. hello mississippi! look ๐ at those mounds.
there's the pueblo. i ๐ always wondered how to build ๐จ๐๐จ๐๐จ๐ a town in a cliff.
guess who's here? ๐ khmer. where? here! ๐ and pagan is there. vietnam ๐ป๐ณ unconquered itself, korea ๐ฐ๐ท just became itself, and japan ๐ฅ is so ๐ addicted to art ๐ญ that the military ๐ might have ๐ถ to take over ๐๐คฌ the government.
china ๐ just invented bombs, ๐ฃ and typing. ⌨⌨⌨ and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i ๐ bet ๐ฐ that will last ๐ a long time. ๐ค
some of the islamic ๐ฎ๐ท turks ๐น๐จ were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they ๐ were busy invading india. ๐ฎ๐ณ
is it ๐ฎ tonga ๐น๐ด time? ๐ i ๐ think ๐ค it's tonga ๐น๐ด time. ๐
i ๐ just figured out ๐ where the swahili gets ๐ all of their gold.
look ๐ at this chad! ๐น๐ฉ it ๐ฎ means ๐ "lake." there's an empire there! right ๐ in the middle ๐ of africa!
the king ๐คด of mali ๐ฒ๐ฑ is so ๐ rich, ๐ค he's ๐♂️๐♂️๐♂️ going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, ❗ that guy's ๐ท rich," ๐ค everyone said.
the christians are ๐ doing a great ๐ฌ๐ง job ๐ผ reconquering iberia, which will soon ๐ be called spain ๐ช๐ธ and not-spain. ๐ฏ please ๐ remain christian. we ๐ฟ will check ☑️ in later ๐ฃ to see ๐๐ if you're still christian when you ๐ค๐ least expect.
whoops, ๐คญ half of europe just died.
ming! china's ๐ back, ๐⬅️ yay! ๐
hey, khmer. time ๐๐๐ to share. new ๐ kingdoms, ๐ฌ๐ง here ๐ and there.
oh, look ๐ who controls ๐ all of the islands. ๐ซ๐ด it's the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit? ๐
oh, italy's ๐ฎ๐น real rich. ๐ค time ๐ก for them to care ๐ a lot about art ๐ฅ๐๐ญ and the ancient ๐ classics. it's kinda like ๐ a rebirth.
here's ๐ a printer. ๐จ let's make books! ๐๐
so ๐ you ๐๐๐ think ๐ฏ you ๐ can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. ๐น๐จ nice job, ๐ผ ottoman turks. ๐น๐จ oops, ๐ฃ you ๐ค missed a spot. ๐ฆ don't forget to ban ✋ europe from the indian ๐ spice trade.
"what? ๐ฆ that's bullshit," said portugal, ๐ต๐น spiceless.
"well i ๐ guess we'll have ๐ถ to find ๐ another way ๐ to india"
"wait!" ๐ said christopher columbus, probably smoking ๐ฌ crack. "if the world ๐ is round, ⚪ let's go this way ๐ to india." ๐ฎ๐ณ
"nah, don't worry, we ๐ฟ already got this," said portugal. ๐ต๐น
so ๐ chris goes to spain. ๐ช๐ธ "hey spain, ๐ช๐ธ wanna hire me to find ๐ india ๐ฎ๐ณ by going around back ๐ of the world?" ๐
"no" ๐ถ
"please?" ๐
"no" ๐ต
"please?" ๐
"wtf"
"no" ⛔
"please?" ๐
"...okay"
so ๐ he ๐♂️ sails into the ocean, ๐ฌ and discovers... more ➕ ocean. ๐๐ฆ and then discovers the indies, and japan! ๐พ๐ let's draw ๐ a line 〰️ to decide who gets ๐ which half of the world. ๐
the aztec and the inca empires are ๐ off ๐ด to a great ๐ฌ๐ง start. ๐ i ๐ wonder if they ๐ know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are ๐ marrying into so ๐ many royal ๐ธ families, they ๐ might have ๐ถ to start ๐ marrying each other.
move over, ๐คฌ lithuania, ๐ฑ๐น here ๐ comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great ๐ฌ๐ง again.
move over, ๐ timurids, maybe go invade india ๐ฎ๐ณ or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let's make it ๐ฎ the other kind of islam. ๐☪ the one ๐ where we ๐ฟ thought ๐ญ the first ๐ฅ๐ guy ๐๐ฑ should've been the other guy. ๐ท
hey, christians! do you ๐๐ค sin? now you ๐ค๐ค๐ค can buy ๐ your way ↕️ out ๐๐ of hell!
"that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. ⛪ here's ๐ 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his ๐ new ๐ book ๐ which might have ๐ถ accidentally started the protestant reformation.
"you ๐ค know what ๐ฆ would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. ๐ค "what ๐ฆ if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ฎ is now.
"what ๐ฆ if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not ๐ฏ to be terrible.
portugal ๐ต๐น had a dream ๐ญ that they ๐๐๐ controlled the entire indian ๐ฎ๐ด ocean, ๐ including the spice trade. and then that dream ๐ญ was real.
and spain ๐ช๐ธ realized that this is not ๐ฏ india, ๐ฎ๐ณ but they ๐ pillaged it ๐ฎ anyway. "damn," said england ๐ด๓ ง๓ ข๓ ฅ๓ ฎ๓ ง๓ ฟ and france. ๐ซ๐ท "we ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ gotta start ๐ pillaging some stuff." ๐ฅ then the dutch ๐ธ๐ฝ revolt, and all the hipsters ๐ด moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ gotta start ๐ pillaging some stuff." ๐ฅ
question ❔ one: ๐ can you ๐ค get ๐ to india ๐ฎ๐ณ๐ฎ๐ณ๐ฎ๐ณ from north ๐ฐ๐ต america? ๐บ๐ธ no, ๐ but at least there's beaver.
question ❓ two: ๐ญ steal the spice trade. that's not ๐ฏ a question, ❔ but the dutch ๐ธ๐ฝ did it ๐ฎ anyway.
and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! ๐ง๐ท๐ง๐ท๐ง๐ท stolen! in the caribbean! ๐ง๐ถ and it's so ๐ goddamn profitable, you ๐๐ might forget to not ๐ฏ๐ฏ๐ฏ do slavery.
the next ➡️ thing on russia's to-do list is to get ๐ bigger.
britain ๐ฌ๐ง๐ฌ๐ง๐ฌ๐ง and france ๐ซ๐ท are ๐ having ๐ถ a friendly discussion about who should control ๐ the entire world. ๐ more ➕ specifically, ohio. then it ๐ฎ escalates into a seven-year 7️⃣ discussion, giving prussia a chance to show ๐บ austria ๐ฆ๐น๐ฆ๐น๐ฆ๐น who's boss. but what ๐ฆ about britain ๐ฌ๐ง and france, ๐ซ๐ท did they ๐ figure out ๐ who's boss? yes ✔️ they ๐๐๐ did! it's britain. ๐ฌ๐ง
guess who's broke? also britain! ๐ฌ๐ง so ๐ they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ start ๐ taxing the hell out ๐ of america. ๐ "fuck you!" ๐ says ๐ฃ america, ๐บ๐ธ declaring their independence and fighting ๐ฅ for it, ๐ฎ and france ๐ซ๐ท helps ๐ them win. ๐ now france ๐ซ๐ท is broke, and britain ๐ฌ๐ง will have ๐ถ๐ถ๐ถ to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, ๐ if france ๐ซ๐ท is broke, why do the king ๐คด and queen ๐ธ still wear such fancy ๐ dresses?
"let's overthrow the palace and cut ✂️ all their heads ๐ค off!" ๐ด said robespierre, cutting ๐น๐ฅฉ๐น๐ฅฉ๐น๐ฅฉ everybody's heads ๐ off ๐ด until someone eventually got mad ๐ข and cut ✂️ his ๐ head ๐ off. ๐ด
you ๐ could make a rel— no, ๐ don't.
haiti ๐ญ๐น is starting ๐ฏ to like ๐ the idea ๐ก of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free ๐ themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ think ๐ค๐ฏ of this before?"
wait, ๐ who's in charge of france ๐ซ๐ท now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over ๐คฌ๐คญ europe. luckily, they ๐ banished him to an island. ๐ฒ๐ต but he came back! luckily, they ๐ banished him to another island. ๐ป๐ฌ
there goes latin ✝ america, ๐ becoming independent in the latin ✝ american ๐ฝ wars of independence.
britain ๐ฌ๐ง just figured out ๐ how to turn steam ๐ into power, ๐ so ๐ now they ๐ can make many different types ⌨ of machines ๐ฐ and factories with machines ๐ค in them so ๐ they ๐ can make a lot of products real fast. then they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ invent some trains. ๐ and conquer india ๐ฎ๐ณ and maybe put ๐ฎ some trains ๐ there.
"hey, china!" ๐จ๐ณ said britain. ๐ฌ๐ง "buy ๐ stuff ๐ฅ from us!" "nah, dude, we ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ already got everything," says ๐ฃ china. ๐ so ๐ britain ๐ฌ๐ง tried to get ๐ them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china ๐ made it ๐ฎ illegal and dumped it ๐ฎ all into the sea. ๐ so ๐ britain ๐ฌ๐ง๐ฌ๐ง๐ฌ๐ง threw a hissy fit and made them open ๐ฎ up five 5️⃣ cities and give them an island. ๐น๐จ
britain ๐ฌ๐ง and russia are ๐ playing ๐พ a game ๐ด where they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ try to stop ๐ซ๐ซ๐ซ the other person ๐ฑ♀️ from conquering afghanistan. ๐ฆ๐ซ
also, the sultan of oman ๐ด๐ฒ lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he ๐♂️ lives."
india ๐ฎ๐ณ just had a revolution, and they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ would like ๐ to govern themselves now. "nope," ๐ said britain, ๐ฌ๐ง governing them even ๐๐ harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I ๐ JUST SENT YOU ๐๐ A MESSAGE ๐จ THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united ๐บ๐ณ states ๐บ๐ธ finally figured out ๐ whether slavery is good ๐ or bad. ๐ฆน♂️ it's bad, ๐๐ฆน♂️ they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ decided, and then they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill ๐ฌ the rest ๐๐ช๐๐ช๐๐ช of the natives and take their land ๐ซ and maybe kick ๐ฆถ๐ด out ๐๐ the mexicans ๐ฎ too.
"i ๐ know! let's rape africa!" ๐ฟ๐ฆ๐ฟ๐ฆ๐ฟ๐ฆ said europe, scrambling to see ๐ who could rape it ๐ฎ the fastest. they never got ethiopia...
britain ๐ฌ๐ง and france ๐ซ๐ท are ๐ still hungry. they never got thailand...
the united states ๐บ๐ธ ran out ๐ฅบ of destiny to manifest, so ๐ they're looking ๐บ๐ for more: ➕
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, ๐ spain ๐ช๐ธ controls ๐ cuba. ๐จ๐บ
well, blame something on them and go to war! what ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฆ should we ๐ฟ blame on spain? ๐ช๐ธ
u.s.s. maine sinks
"let's blame the maine on spain." ๐ช๐ธ
so ๐ they ๐๐๐ blame the maine on spain. ๐ช๐ธ
now we're in business. ๐
to celebrate, ๐ฅ they ๐ kick ๐ฆต panama ๐ต๐ฆ out ๐๐ of panama ๐ต๐ฆ and make a canal, connecting the two ✌✌✌ oceans. ๐๐
britain ๐ฌ๐ง just found oil ๐ข in the middle ๐ east. ๐ it makes cars ๐ go...
china ๐ is so ๐ tired ๐ด of being bossed around that they ๐ delete ❌ their old ๐ด government and make a new, ๐ณ๐จ stronger ๐ช government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy ๐ from the previous ⬅️ government.
europe hasn't had a war since the last ๐ war, so ๐ they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ start ๐ world ๐ war one. 1️⃣ look ๐ at those guns! ๐ซ it's gonna be a great ๐ฌ๐ง war, so ๐ great ๐ฌ๐ง we ๐ฟ won't need a second ๐ฅ one. 1️⃣ after it's over, ๐คฌ they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers ๐จ๐ญ overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union...
the arabs ๐ธ๐พ revolt and britain ๐ฌ๐ง helps. ๐ now the ottoman empire is gone, so ๐ we ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ can give the jewish people ๐ญ a place ๐ฎ to live. hopefully the arabs ๐ณ♀️ won't mind. ๐คฏ
"let's cut ✂️ the cake!" ๐ฅฎ said sykes and picot, carving ๐ up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. ๐ฏ
except turkey! ๐ฆ turkey ๐ฆ makes a brand ™️ new ๐ต๐ฌ๐ต๐ฌ๐ต๐ฌ turkey!
and then the saudis ๐ธ๐ฆ conquer arabia. ๐ธ๐ฆ it ๐ฎ just seemed like ๐ฅฐ the right ▶️ thing to do.
phone rings
hello? ๐ yes, ๐ it's the 1920's calling. ๐ค let's get ๐ to a car ๐ and drive to a party ๐ and listen ๐ to jazz ๐ท on the radio ๐ป๐ป๐ป and go to the movies. ๐ฅ the economy is great ๐ฌ๐ง and it ๐ฎ will probably be great ๐ฌ๐ง forever. ♾ just kidding.
germany's back, ๐ค featuring hitler, ๐ the angry ๐ฟ๐ก mustache ๐จ model, and he's ๐♂️ mad ๐ก at the jews for existing.
japan ⛩ is finally conquering the east, ๐ and they're so ๐ excited, they ๐ rape nanking way ๐ too hard. they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ should probably just deny ❎ it. ๐ฎ
hitler's out ๐ of control, ๐ so ๐ the international ๐๐ community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad ๐ฆน♀️ idea. ๐ก but he ๐♂️ kills ๐ฌ himself because they ๐ could explain it ๐ฎ to him. that's world ๐ war two!
bonus round! ๐ pacific showdown
united states ๐บ๐ธ vs. japan ๐ฏ๐ต
FIGHT!!
united states ๐ซ๐ฒ drops ๐ฆ two ๐ฌ๐ฌ๐ฌ extinction balls ๐ฅ๐พ on japan
FINISH HIM!
let's unite all the nations ๐ธ๐ฟ and have ๐ถ some world peace! seems legit.
"hi, im gandhi, and if britain ๐ฌ๐ง doesn't get ๐ the hell out ๐๐ of india, ๐ฎ๐ณ i'm going to starve myself in public." ๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐
britain leaves
"wow, ๐ฎ❗ that worked?"
bonus! now there's pakistan. ๐ต๐ฐ actually two 2️⃣ pakistans, ๐ต๐ฐ one 1️⃣ of them can be bangladesh ๐ง๐ฉ later. ๐ง๐ง๐ง
the jews and the arabs ๐ธ๐พ finally figured out ๐๐ which one 1️⃣ of them should live in the holy land. ๐ซ "me!" they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ both said at the same time. ⌛๐ let's divide ➗➗➗ up the lands so ๐ we're both happy. ๐บ SIKE! they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ both get ๐ angrier!
look ๐ out, ๐ china! ๐ there's a new ๐ณ๐ฟ china ๐จ๐ณ in china. ๐จ๐ณ what's ๐ฆ on the menu? communism! no ๐ thanks, ๐ said the other china, ๐จ๐ณ escaping to an island. ๐ฒ๐ต i ๐ wonder which one 1️⃣ is the real china...?
there's the korean war. korea ๐ฐ๐ท versus korea! ๐ฐ๐ท nobody wins, ๐ then its ๐ฎ on pause ⏸ forever. ♾
let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two ๐ฌ global superpowers. ๐ฆธ♀️๐ฆธ♂️ they're having ๐ถ a friendly debate over ๐คญ which economic ๐ system is good ✨❇️ and which one ๐ is an evil ๐๐ virus of satan. and they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ both have ๐ถ atom ⚛ bombs. ๐ฅ FIGHT!! wait, ๐ no, ๐ญ๐ that would be the end ๐ of the world. ๐ let's just keep it ๐ฎ cool ๐๐ถ and spy ๐ต️♀️ on each other instead. and make sure we ๐ฟ have ๐ถ enough atom ⚛ bombs. ๐ฃ
"i'll race ๐ต♀️๐ you ๐ค to space." ๐๐จ๐
united states ๐บ๐ธ plants ๐ a flag ๐ธ๐ง on the moon
now let's make more ➕ countries fight ๐ฅ themselves.
europe is tired ๐ด of pillaging other continents, and the continents they ๐ were pillaging are ๐ tired ๐ช๐ค of being pillaged. so ๐ here's ๐ a new ๐ต๐ฌ map ๐ with new ๐ณ๐จ countries. now you ๐๐ค can't tell ๐ฃ who they're being pillaged by.
the united ๐บ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ช states ๐บ๐ธ finally decided whether racism is good ๐ or bad. ๐ฆน♂️ they ๐ decided it's bad, 〽️ and the world ๐ agrees. ☑️ south ๐ฟ๐ฆ africa ๐ฟ๐ฆ might need another minute to think ๐ฏ about it. ๐ฎ
let's check ✔️☑️ the world ๐ population!
woah. okay. ๐
technology ๐ฑ is better ๐ฐ too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union ๐ช๐บ decides to relax ☺️ a little, and accidentally falls ⛅ apart.
europe makes a union, ๐ช๐บ so ๐ now they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ can all use the same money. ๐ธ except britain, ๐ฌ๐ง because they ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ don't feel like ๐ it. ๐ฎ
let's check ☑️ the mail... surprise! ❕๐ฎ it's on the computer! ๐ค
whoops, ๐คญ someone just attacked america. ๐บ๐ธ i ๐ bet ๐ฐ they'll remember that.
phone ๐คณ call! ๐ฒ surprise! ❗๐คจ it's in your pocket! wanna learn ๐ everything? surprise! ❕๐คญ it's on the computer! ๐ฑ now your phone's ๐ณ a computer, ๐ฑ which is in your pocket!
whoops, ๐คญ the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks ๐ง won't fail, ๐ฉ because they're not ๐ฏ supposed to.
surprise!... flying ๐ robots. ๐ค with bombs. ๐ฃ
wanna print ๐พ a brain? ๐ง
some people ๐จ๐ง๐ง๐ฌ have ๐ถ no ❌ friends. ๐ some people ๐จ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฆ have ๐ถ no ๐ food. ๐ถ๐ฅฉ the globe ๐ is warming, ♨️ and the ocean ๐ฆ is full ๐ of plastic!
"let's save ๐๐๐ the planet!" ๐๐ said everybody, not ๐ฏ knowing how.
"let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. ๐
by the way, ๐ where the hell are ๐ we? ๐ค๐ค๐ค
thanks for watching ⌚๐ history
i hope ๐ i ๐ mentioned everything
Submitted August 26, 2020 at 08:16PM by THEAppleMan_ https://ift.tt/3lm58gP
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