I've known I was Pan since High School. My older brother even told me he was gay a week after I told him I was Pan. But because of my parents, I've always been quiet about it. I felt shame. I knew I shouldn't, but that didn't help. My close friends knew who I was, and for a long time that was enough.
But after my mother told my Brother "Homosexuals are like vomit in God's Mouth, but it's not my place to judge" I snapped. I'm tired of hearing my Mothers voice in the back of my head telling me "She just wished all these gays would be quiet about it" or my Father speaking with disgust about his cousin, a cousin I know nothing about except "That fuckin crossdresser." I dealt with my mothers verbal and emotional abuse for years because my negligent father told me "He knows I could handle it better than her, and so I should."
I'm tired of being terrified to let anyone I don't explicitly know from knowing my sexuality. I'm tired of suffering quietly so that my parents won't "be hurt" by me being Pan. I'm tired of talking myself out of ever dating anyone not a cis woman because I wouldn't be able to bring them home to my parents.
Yesterday I posted on my Facebook that I was Pan and pursuing transitioning as soon as I had a career which would provide me the health insurance I'd need to do it well. I still haven't told my parents. But for the first time in years, the anxiety I've felt for nearly a decade died down. I wasn't scared anymore, I wasn't ashamed, I wasn't feeling like a failure as a child, I felt like Me.
I'm proud of who I am. At this point, the only thing I'm still sorry about is not having let myself be proud in the past.
TLDR: Came out as pan and trans on facebook, felt free, now I've just gotta tell my parents
Submitted November 19, 2019 at 10:23PM by Scallel https://ift.tt/2XwAiGA
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