So, to preface this, I've only known I was pan for about 5 months, and I've only told very very close friends about it. And this story unfortunately involves a very very close friend of mine. (Oh, and I'm Male btw, that's pretty important)
For the last 3 months, me and a close trans friend have been flirting... heavily. This was instigated by them originally, but holy shit did I really really like them so I played along. This continued to go further and further, constantly saying cute wholesome remarks to each other and plenty of not wholesome remarks that were enjoyable all the same.
I don't want to say too many details, out of respect to them, but I had become infatuated with them, and they knew because I, y'know, told them I was. Yet, they continued to treat me like I was special to them, in a romantic/sexual kind of way.
Now, before this all started, they had told me they werent entirely sure if they were into guys, which is why I tried to stay back from being too provocative unless they indicated that was what they wanted. And almost everytime we talked, they would say something that did signaled to me that there was something there. I dipped my toes in it for most of the time this went down, out of fear for something like this happening basically.
This builds, until we are talking almost constantly, and the times we werent talking I was thinking of them. Then, out of no where, I get a text from them saying that they felt what we were doing felt wrong. I know all you wonderful people dont know me, but I promise I'm not a creep, and never did anything that was meant to make them uncomfortable in any manor. So I was, undoubtedly, confused.
They then began to explain how they pretty much dont think of me in a romantic or sexual sense. This caught me so off guard, 12 hours ago we had sent hearts to each other before heading off to bed, and an hour before we were talking about how cute we thought each other were and flirting just as we had been for months.
I was hurt.. especially when they started blaming the reason on my gender, even though they have shown interest in many other guys, we would talk about who we thought was cute or sexy or whatever. I dont ~believe~ I'm unattractive, they had shown interest in my looks many times whenever we hung out. Your usual, "hey, I think you're cute," or whatever, but it still meant a lot to me and it didnt seem like "just close friend stuff" it was more serious than that.
Anyway, I'm rambling, we talk for a couple hours, and I explain how hurt and used I feel, and if anything they ever said mattered to them, because all of it most certainly did to me and just tons of emotional turmoil ensued.
I guess I'm just looking for advice to get past this, because right now they felt like my only hope. This year has been undoubtedly the worst I've ever had, regardless of politics and covid. I've lost close friends, all of which ending in disaster, I've been needlessly anxious about everything and I really just felt that they were the light at the end of my tunnel. And to then back away from everything we had built up because of who I identified as and the thing between my legs hurts. It hurts so bad. And I guess I cant blame them for it.. but they never showed DISinterest towards me or me being a guy prior to this. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Could it just be an excuse for lack of readiness for commitment?
Submitted September 18, 2020 at 08:40PM by Gorshyph https://ift.tt/2Heowge
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