I grew up knowing I wasn't fully straight. Somewhere around the beginning of middle school, I started watching porn of everything. Trans, gay, straight, didn't matter. I felt ashamed, guilty, and disgusted with myself. Every time I watched something other than straight or even lesbian porm, I told myself it was the last time, and I could make myself "straighter". I couldn't stop myself though. I kept this suppressed for years, hating who I was. Why the hell did I look at men in anyway other than platonic and non-sexual? I feared coming out, my family falls on various levels of tolerance, some supporting the LGBT community, while others, at least to me, appear to be vehemently against it.
Growing up with the uncertainty of the reaction my family would have scared the hell out of me. I felt terrified and uncomfortable if I looked at a guy too long, or if something related to the trans community came up. I was afraid that simply acknowledging anything like that would smite me in the eyes of parts of my family. These things don't even touch the fear I had of people in my day to day life found out. I saw the bullying and heard the trash talking of the "fags" and "queers" in school. I never wanted that to be a part of my life. So for almost a decade, not a single soul knew.
Outwardly, I've always looked like an average dude. I'm in my 20s now, average build, plain shirts and jeans are my normal go-to outfits. I can find anyone attractive, mentally and physically, regardless of where on the spectrum they fall, but I definitely lean towards women, and appearing straight was something I'd perfected over the years. So when I met my wife in highschool, she had no clue. We dated for a few years, she was my first and I was hers. The whole time, these hidden feelings gnawed at me. When we had sex, part of me ignortantly thought "look, you're straight!" While the rest of me was just terrified of her ever finding out the truth. These thoughts persisted well past getting married. I was constantly fearful that she'd see my search history or catch me looking at a guy "the wrong way."
About my wife: she's fucking terrific. Such a loving, caring, brilliant woman. Tolerant and patient, I wouldn't be the happy man I am today without her guidance and support. Even with this in mind from the start, I was mortified of her knowing. How could someone stay in love with someone with a secret like this? (In hindsight, I'm an idiot.) But over time, the weight was crushing me. I started loosening the grip on what I considered my "dark thoughts."
I'd joke "I wonder what it'd feel like for you to play with my nipples." A normal thing for many comfortable hetero men, but to me this was pushing back the fold on something I'd kept hidden. It escalated over time to "grab my ass during sex", or "choke me." Again, very common in hetero relationships, but this was my jumping point. I was horrified of actually jumping though. Still in the background, I was watching these "bad" porn vidoes, and occasionally while she was asleep I'd put on her clothes because it felt nice and made me feel attractive in a way I wasn't used to.
Everything came to a head about nine months ago. After a night of drinking, it happened. I was drunk, insanely dunk, and she was more or less buzzed or tipsy. Laying in bed we were talking about anything and everything, and it just came out. I started crying and choking up, telling her I needed to get something out, but I was fearful of any repercussions. Through drunken tears, I poured out my heart. I told her everything, how long I'd known, my interests, what I'd done without her knowing. The entire time the fear didn't shrink, it grew tremendously. The voice inside my head told me "she might leave you." But I couldn't live my life anymore not sharing every part of me with the person I love most in this world. This amazing woman not only took the weight off my shoulders, but lifted me higher than before.
Like I'd said before, I avoided LGBT my entire life. What little I knew of the community came from porn and small tidbits from around the internet. The second I was out to her, she was there to support me and love me unconditionally. Not knowing the full spectrum, she asked me various questions about sexual and romantic interests. For years I thought I was most likely just bi, I didn't know anything other than that and gay. But she helped me realize I'm pansexual, gender isn't a factor in my attraction to people. On top of this, she's been fully supportive of me wearing feminine clothing, going as far as picking outfits out for me that she finds attractive!For years I'd secretly wear her clothes when I knew she wouldn't find out, and here we are. I can lounge in my cute knee highs and laced underwear and t-shirt, all with her cuddled up next to me!
Getting a little deeper into it, I never dreamed my personal interests would be a part of our sex life. Pegging and playing with my ass never seemed like something I'd have in my life. I still have my days of masculine dominance, but she doesn't hesitate to take control. Bending me over, pounding my ass, and pulling my hair. I'm such a lucky fucking guy!
Back out of the bedroom haha
Since coming out to her, I've changed dramatically. I'm far more relaxed, happier, emotionally available, and content. I don't need to hide my feelings to make myself seem more masculine. If I find someone attractive (male, female, or other), I can say it to her. If I want to watch a movie in a comfortable romper, that's my choice! I don't carry that guilt anymore, and it's so damn liberating! We're planning on going to pride parades, gay bars, and other LGBT friendly places hopefully soon. Places I'd never dreamed to set foot in.
I don't think I'll come out to friends, family, or coworkers anytime soon. While I'm already feeling more confident in who I am, I'm far from being comfortable with that level of openess. Regardless of how shitty it is, me coming out will dramatically change my relationship with many people, and I'm just not ready for that yet; however, my wife's support, love, and care is more than enough to keep me going strong!
Lastly, as a dad, I'm going to make sure to raise my kids with tolerance and openness. I know sometime later in life I'll come out to them. I'll show them it's perfectly fine to be who you are, and that we should give love and respect to the person, and not base it on their beliefs and orientarions. I don't want them to deal with what I and so many others have gone through. I know with such an amazing mother, there's no doubt they'll turn out alright.
